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1. |
Another Way Out Of Here
01:37
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I’m an ugly piece of shit with a fucked up face
and broken teeth and no place to go most of the time
and the older I get the less I care
about the fact my whole life’s been a steady decline
And I drank myself stupid to make my mouth smart
and successfully ruined all the time that we spent
then by the time I woke up you were gone, I never got the chance to tell
you I think you’re heaven sent
So you want nothing to do with me, understandably
You want nothing to do with me, but I think I’d rather be
living in discontent than waste 52 more weeks wondering where all my time went
and although these pockets have been empty for so long
and although I keep on writing songs in the key of me dying inside
I don’t feel like I’m running away, I don’t feel like I’m running away anymore
I don’t feel like I’m losing a day every time that I walk out the door
onto freezing cold streets, crushing leaves under my soaking wet shoes full of holes
and although it’s not really going to plan, I hope you understand
that I’m just trying to find a way out that doesn’t involve tying a noose and kicking a chair.
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2. |
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I listen out and look around
but everything is muted and brown
and I could sleep for days and hope that things will turn around
but I know when I wake up it’ll still be muted and brown
I know I can’t keep living in the past but the future’s always worse
and I’m beginning to think it’s just the way it is
and that there’s no such thing as a curse
I’m sure I can think of ways to change, I just need to get out of bed first
I’ve avoided taking a stand because I keep falling down
you say I never learn and that I never will
that time spent killing me just adds to time I kill
So I can poison myself until I black out so that another boring weekend is
done
or I can open my eyes and the blinds and start to get used to the sun
I’m so sick of everything being stagnant, I’m so sick of everything being
stale
I’m so sick of watching from the shore as every ship sets sail
so I guess I’ll keep my eyes open and keep an ear to the ground
and keep my fingers crossed for colour and sound.
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3. |
Sorry In Advance
02:35
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I keep all my scars covered up, but every once in a while they open up
and new stitches only hold up for so long, so it’s pretty obvious that
something’s wrong
Then for no reason my edges start to fray and I worry about driving you away
and end up driving myself insane, then end up back at square one again
But I’ve spent time to make sure I’m at peace with my own mind
So I hope someday I won’t regret that I didn’t say
That I’m sorry in advance for complicating things
and even wondering why I’m watching you walk away
or have to hear myself say
that I’m sorry for this mess, and that I really tried my best
but instead I’ll fall asleep smiling with you next to me, my dear
then wake up with you still here
I won’t forget about the promises I make
or multiply the chances that I take
or torture myself each and every day
that these songs take me further away
I won’t do my best to avoid being awake
I’ll keep something in mind for my own sake
That even though I can’t quite see an end
I know that soon I’ll see you again
I’ve learned from all my own mistakes
so I won’t hear myself say
That I’m sorry in advance for complicating things
or have to wonder why I’m watching you walk away
I know I won’t hear myself say
that I’ve created a mess through failing to do my best
There will be no reason to get depressed
No need for sorries in advance, or at any point in time
I’ll just be patient and I hope you will be too
and I promise that you won’t see me walk away
There will be no sense of decay
You can fall asleep smiling then wake up in the morning aware
that the smile is still there.
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4. |
When Winter Doesn't End
03:10
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As I watch my breath moving towards the bedroom light
I know I’m in for another freezing cold sleepless night
and if you’re wondering what’s on my mind
I’m thinking of days when I spent less time in bed
with more thoughts in my head than just
"not this again…not you again"
When winter doesn’t end what the fuck can I say? What the fuck can I do?
I don’t know why I even bother half the time
Try to convince myself I’m not done
and that it’ll all just thaw out in the sun
and that it’s not all reached an end but just begun
but I’ve only found I feel so fucking lost
so I stay behind the glass and watch formations of frost
and avoid the outside world at any cost
and if you’re wondering how I get by
I avoid thinking about how things could have been
and try to convince myself that I don’t miss you, but I know I do
I don’t know why I even bother when half the time I sit here counting up
goodbyes
and subtracting the ones I have made sense of
then spend most of my time wishing that I could think of something else to
do, could think of something else to say
I sense yet another wasted day so it’s probably time to fold and remain
freezing cold
I don’t know why I even bother at all.
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5. |
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I’m just another prick in a headset wondering why the fuck I’m not dead yet
wondering why I’m getting talked down to for doing boring shit I don’t want
to
and wondering why I made the assumption that I could just give up and
function
as a member of the playing dead society
All because the last few years I’ve spent most of my time
dialling 9 to get an outside line
as I tell myself again that it’s really just a means to an end
but I’m here to work, I’m not here to make friends
I won’t be making ends meet but soon you’ll be meeting your end
on the pointless path you’ve paved, it’s amazing the time you’d save
if you’d admit that you’re already in your grave
You’re halfway up a ladder that you don’t want to climb
but you just go on and on and on and on
and on and on and up and on
I’ve found better ways to spend my time
and I’m not ashamed of who I’ve become
but can’t deny that I need to remind myself
that although desperation has went from being temporary
went from being temporary to permanent
that it’s no longer scary when I can’t pay these bills on time or make the
rent
the panic button is close to redundant, fear fades away
So tomorrow morning at 9am you won’t see me at all
You won’t even notice that there’s no courtesy call until there’s a drop in
productivity
then you’ll remember me
but not my face, not my name but my employee number
Regurgitated words of wisdom in your leaving speech won’t make me want to
stay.
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6. |
No Need For The Reminder
03:29
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I couldn’t control the corners of my mouth
the last time I left Ballenden House
because I swear I’m never going back there
but even though I’ve regained my health
I still find time to torture myself
and convince myself the situation is worse than it is
I can’t deal with nights like this
when it all fades to black and air just disappears
So please don’t remind me of things that I can do without
and of nights spent wishing she’d come find me
stuck in this rut and pull me out
but instead I kept you hanging round to drag me down
I like to think that I live a lie
when I’m working from 9 til 5
and that these nights are what define me
but my definition is not regret
paralysed in a bed of sweat
aching from my cranium to my jaw
as all the demons gnaw
on what is left of my brain somewhere in between
I’ve got a lot to sort out and today is the perfect Autumn day to think
this through
walk up and down The Innocent Railway for an hour or two
when it starts getting dark I head back home to work out what to do
we’re both to blame for wasted days but it time to cut you loose
because this is all you seem to do -
You remind me that I’m worthless, you remind me that I’m always tense
You remind me that are the simplest things leave me confused as I struggle
to make any sense
You remind me that I’m weak willed, you remind me of the nights that I
spent high
to forget another face, another name, to forget another goodbye
You remind me that with each step forward I’m already contemplating
stepping back to digging my nails into my pale skin and let the whites of
my eyes turn to black
You remind me that I’ll never grow up, but not in the way that I’ll always
have fun
In the way that I’ll never progress, I’ll always be a mess
and do my best to block out the sun, that’s why I am think I’m done
I’m through with blocking out the sun, that’s why I think we’re done.
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7. |
The Next Time...
00:33
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Wide awake at 2am, trying to push my eyes back into my head
Hoping the ringing in my ears will make me forget all the things that she
said
and make me forget all the things I’ve not said
My brain feels so fucking heavy, like it’s swelling in my skull
and putting pressure on my neck and on my spine
So the next time that it’s someone’s fault that I end up flat broke, alone
and miserable
I hope that it’s not mine.
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8. |
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You no longer look the same or want to get out of bed most days
You say your life’s lacking structure and that you need something more
Man, I’d like to help but I swear I’m struggling myself
I’ve been listening to self help tapes to restore my mental health
Snap back a few years ago, we had loads of fuckin’ time
All of our omens seemed benign, now all we see is warning signs
Don’t you ever want something more?
(Because the defeated look upon your face is one that I can’t ignore)
Because I know I do, but I know it’s hard
when you think the glass you’ve got is half full but you’re just sipping on
shards
If you say you’re “happy” then I guess that’s “fine”
but I can’t be too critical, because when I think about it
I’m just as bad/good at playing dead
All my best friends are dying
and it’s fucking killing me.
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9. |
The Shades Of Grey
01:52
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The lump in my throat reappeared today, I’m a fool for thinking it had gone
away
but I’m hoping things are simpler than they seem
because I’m getting used to normal dreams
The past few months I’ve put myself through hell, not to mention other
people have as well
but through losing touch I’ve gained the ability to step back and practice
empathy
So believe me when I say I sympathize when I see the worry in your eyes
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care, but I know there are things that you
can do without
So we will work it out, because there’s no doubt
that everything evened out when I met you
These are only problems, dear - they are there to get solved
and I know it’s easy to lose sight and blame yourself for it all
because I’ve been walking barefoot on my own eggshells for years
and wondering how eyes so empty could produce so many tears
But we can work our way through the shades of grey and there will be no
need to feel down someday
and each and every day I’ll be here.
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10. |
Turning 25 Was Shit
03:08
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I crawled back into bed after an hour today
because the feeling of failure hadn’t gone away
but my list of things to tick off is getting long
and there’s only so much good that can come from writing a song
So I unlock the door and hit the street
Ignore my tired eyes and dragging feet
force myself to do my time in this waiting room
because I’ve struggled to find the path to my modern mind
so I guess the primitive just won again this time
I’m damned whatever I do and I’m doomed if I don’t
I don’t know what’s going on
Before the setting of the sun I can’t get anything done
but still the day seems too long
Another miserable song about everything going wrong
It’s getting hard to stay strong
I don’t want to be here no more, but I know one thing for sure
I’ll miss you when I’m gone
I’ve lost the feeling that I’ll ever get some kind of balance
I’m hoping that it will come back someday
Then everything will seem alright and I can sleep at night
without thinking my dreams are out to get me
and happiness won’t be killed by sickness
Someday I hope I’ll find that I’ve crossed my own mind
for the last time.
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11. |
My Name Is Elbows
01:18
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She used to call me Elbows, she used to call me Elbows
but now she doesn’t want to call at all and it’s my fault
Take a look at these elbows, these fucking glorious elbows!
but no one wants to look at me right now and I’m to blame
If you want to you can count them
here, I’ll help you - see, there’s 6
both my brother and my dad only have 2
lately I’ve been focusing on insecurities
and I’ve become a parody of myself
and beat myself black and blue and I just haven’t known what to do
but now I know what to do
Because these elbows are different now, these elbows have changed
These elbows all hate each other, these elbows are deranged
but there’s life in these elbows yet, I have faith they will pull through
I believe in these elbows, I have room for these elbows, I’ll hold out for
these elbows
I hope you do too.
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12. |
Christine, I Forgive You
03:21
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I’m pretty drunk right now but I can hold a pen
and scribble frustrations from way back when
you were so near yet so far from being around
self destructing somewhere until it put you in the ground
but unanswered questions and grudges will be the death of me
I’m through with winding myself so tight I can hardly breath
and I can’t get what I want from whiskey and therapy
so here’s to sobriety followed by clarity
It’s time to tell you what has been destroying me
I hate you for the nights I spent standing out in the rain
hoping I’d see your car come over the hill again
but deep down I knew that wouldn’t come true
I guess I never thought I’d expect so little from you
I didn’t want to forget your name, but I tried to all the same
but it didn’t go to plan, so I want you to understand
that I don’t blame you for losing touch or blame you for breaking down
I’ve had days when I block out the sun and don’t want anyone around
and block out doubt by getting drunk and passing out
and struggle to find anything positive to think about
so I’ll place no blame and avoid disdain
and rather than forget you, there’s one other thing I can do so…
Christine, I forgive you
and now I move on.
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13. |
My Inner Mental Room
03:31
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In my inner mental room is where I sit and where I struggle to understand
why nothing has gone to plan
and think of words to say to make it through the day
and write them on the wall in block capitals
and let them sink in, then take a deep breath in
and then open my eyes and tell myself again
this will pass (I hope this will pass),
won’t catch me drinking alone at the underpass
until the sun comes up because I’ve given up,
it’s easier to quit and wait for an exit
but this will pass (I hope this will pass)
won’t catch me staring blankly at a half empty glass
until the sun goes down because I can’t get my head round
the pointless thoughts that I amass but this will pass
In my inner mental room I see you sitting there laughing at my film screen
watching my memories
times of constant unrest, depression and distress
and crushing pressure inside my head and chest
that had me close to tears, I have no doubt that fear
is what took my hand and lead me down to here
Jesus has nothing to offer me and Buddha just left me confused
but I’m sick of wasting my time counting ways in which I lose
I always lose
I smash fuck out the film screen and I wipe the words off the wall
then your face disappears and I have no reason to panic at all
walk out, lock the door, throw away the key and make my way up the stairs
for the time being I’ve no reason to spend more time down there
Although I still don't know what I’m doing or where I’ll be at the end of
the day
if I can simplify things then I think that I might be ok
because once you’ve accepted that food is for sustenance and that clothes
are for keeping you warm
then there’s much less in this world that can do you harm.
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The Murderburgers UK
Pop punk band from Scotland on Asian Man Records/Brassneck Records/Umlaut Records/Waterslide Records. Also on indefinite hiatus since Dec 1st 2019.
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