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Fraser Murderburger - SERIOUS MUSICIAN

by The Murderburgers

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1.
Today we woke up to a different kind of day than we were hoping for Everything was sharp yet dull I slipped onto autopilot God finally showed up and spoke through a crack in the sky And said “I know you're wondering when this will all be done…don't worry, there’s an illness for everyone.” Then I smiled as all of the clouds came to a halt And accepted all of this was no one’s fault On the day everything died It all went quiet and warm and then I felt like I was seventeen again On the day everything died Thinking back maybe I wasn’t joking When I asked you to smash my skull open Maybe there was something in there that I couldn’t find Because when I looked forward all I could see was black But I could hear you screaming as your skin cracked Maybe there was some advantage to going blind Then you said “What’s the point in harbouring hope When there’s freedom at the end of a rope?” At first I couldn’t answer Then you were gone by the time I spoke I wish I didn’t have to keep those words inside But in my mind we were side by side On the day everything died.
2.
Sitting in the kitchen at 4am with the light off trying to remember what it's like to feel alive Maybe if I go outside and attempt to retrace your steps around The Meadows then I might trigger something that will take my mind off all these sandstone buildings and grey skies that do their best to keep me dead but never quite lock my feet to the ground Now all my halfhearted goodbyes keep replaying in my head now that I'm barely ever around, and now that everyone is leaving I stayed up until 5:20 and listened to the shipping forecast to remind me of when I slept with a smile but nowadays I barely sleep at all I just lay awake with all these regrets and let them burrow in and expand that hole in my chest I never even knew that you had plans to go I was too busy fighting myself to even know so I guess this won't be the last time that I'm breaking down on the Peace Mile Now all these sandstone buildings and grey skies have got me by the throat and there's no other way to go but down and all my half-hearted goodbyes they don't mean shit, they're all redundant Now that no one's left around My pulse is nowhere to be found I've given up on colour and sound, and buried my heart underground I wonder if you'll ever come back but when does anybody ever come back.
3.
I’m pretty drunk right now but I can hold a pen and scribble frustrations from way back when you were so near yet so far from being around self destructing somewhere until it put you in the ground but unanswered questions and grudges will be the death of me I’m through with winding myself so tight I can hardly breath and I can’t get what I want from whiskey and therapy so here’s to sobriety followed by clarity It’s time to tell you what has been destroying me I hate you for the nights I spent standing out in the rain hoping I’d see your car come over the hill again but deep down I knew that wouldn’t come true I guess I never thought I’d expect so little from you I didn’t want to forget your name, but I tried to all the same but it didn’t go to plan, so I want you to understand that I don’t blame you for losing touch or blame you for breaking down I’ve had days when I block out the sun and don’t want anyone around and block out doubt by getting drunk and passing out and struggle to find anything positive to think about so I’ll place no blame and avoid disdain and rather than forget you, there’s one other thing I can do so… Christine, I forgive you and now I move on.
4.
5.
You spent a couple weeks drying out In an effort to stop feeling like you were drowning Thumb and forefinger pressed in your eyes Grinding your teeth until they crack And banging your head against the wall Trying to ignore the fact you've started smoking again When you can't understand why she hasn't Where the fuck was I when all of this fell apart? Where was I when it all cracked and splintered? When did the 5am sunrise turn into 8am headlights? When was summer strangled by winter? Well I just can't work it out All know for sure is that things aren't the same And since we've both sewn our eyes shut we can't see who's to blame All we ever seem to do these days is argue over who feels worse I know I shouldn't argue, because I know you do I'm trying not to think about the sand in my lungs, gravel under my skin As I'm resting forever uneasy But as I undo the stitches and see signs of life I'm thinking that hope's not lost completely Still all we ever seem to do these days is argue over who feels worse I know I shouldn't argue, because I know you do.
6.
I never thought at the age of 25 that I'd be in a doctor's office because I didn't want to be alive He tells me that I'm brave but I know I'm just a coward and I'm losing at the war inside my head Hello, misery I heard that you like company and I've got nothing else to do so why don't we hang out.
7.
I’m an ugly piece of shit with a fucked up face and broken teeth and no place to go most of the time and the older I get the less I care about the fact my whole life’s been a steady decline And I drank myself stupid to make my mouth smart and successfully ruined all the time that we spent then by the time I woke up you were gone, I never got the chance to tell you I think you’re heaven sent So you want nothing to do with me, understandably You want nothing to do with me, but I think I’d rather be living in discontent than waste 52 more weeks wondering where all my time went and although these pockets have been empty for so long and although I keep on writing songs in the key of me dying inside I don’t feel like I’m running away, I don’t feel like I’m running away anymore I don’t feel like I’m losing a day every time that I walk out the door onto freezing cold streets, crushing leaves under my soaking wet shoes full of holes and although it’s not really going to plan, I hope you understand that I’m just trying to find a way out that doesn’t involve tying a noose and kicking a chair.
8.
I haven't felt this low in a long time I haven't seen sunlight for 5 days and now the inside of my mouth is a mess just like the inside of my head I know I shouldn't have dropped by tonight but I just didn't know who else I could talk to and December never seems to listen when I kindly ask for it to leave All of this uncertainty and these unfinished bus rides are breaking me like you wouldn't believe So I just sit here grinding my teeth and think about that beautiful smile that's stuck in my head, I know she doesn't exist All she ever seems to want to do is talk to me at great length about our dead parents so I get up, get out and start walking and try to think of ways to make winter go And as I slipped and fell on black ice, I felt no urgency to get back up Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to get up just like most mornings Lay awake and think about the past A stairwell full of dirty needles and broken glass Nights spent on cold wooden floors scratching scabies 7 years on, fingers still crossed, hoping that maybe Someday I'll sober up, and I won't be a joke And I'll stop smoking half your cigarette before realising I don't smoke And I'll stop giving in to vices when I feel like life's a lost cause and I'll stop going to bed with a splitting headache then waking up with a sore jaw And I'll appreciate the small amount of time that you decided to spend with me instead of learning to hate you so that I can get this over with quickly And I'll stop checking for bad news about planes flying out of Scotland in case they've crashed into the ocean with my family members on them But until that day, I know I'll always be your pair of broken headphones on your loneliest ride home And you'll always be that song about a fresh start for which I can't seem to write the ending.
9.
10.
I missed the train, so now I'm on the bus so if I'm late meeting you please don't make a fuss Another girl takes off, I bet I can tell why because I was either too drunk or too high I'm losing touch again, and over-analyzing everything too much again and often catching myself staring into space again wiping the smile off my own face I'd rather live to die than just wait to, but sometimes I find it's hard to take the pace My head is fucked again and it feels like there is nothing I can do My head is fucked again so I guess I'll just have to continue to Tell everybody I feel alright even though I want to die because I keep letting things out with my control get the best of me and the odds are stacking high and if you need an example why I still remember at the age of 8, standing in tears at my dad's front gate every Thursday and every second Friday when my mum didn't show up I try to push it from the front to the back of my mind but every time I'm drunk I always seem to find it's all that I can think about Nothing I can do about that now, but still somehow I always seem to let it get me down.
11.
I took your call round the back of Deadbeat Studios I promised you and myself that I'd keep in touch But even with my track record of being a piece of shit I never thought that I would slip this much I hope one day you'll spend less time in hospitals And that I'll answer every time you write Instead of shutting off from it all And letting my brain self-destruct each night I keep telling myself that I've changed then regroup for a month or two And then break my promise just like my mother used to do And sometimes I try to kid myself by staying up all night In a half-arsed attempt to feel like I'm alive Sometimes I swear I feel like it's working And it reminds of back when I didn't feel like I was dying That was back when we didn't have to sleep, but now every time I try to rest I have that same nightmare about a home invasion And I wake up and that screwdriver's right back there in my chest Then it's back to being bound by cold sweat to bed sheets With that numbness in my arm And trying to think of some more bullshit ways To say I didn't mean to cause you harm.

about

Before heading over to the US in February to do a bunch of solo shows with Kate from Lipstick Homicide/Starry Nights, I thought it would be a good idea to quickly record a few acoustic songs and burn CD-Rs along the way so I have something that sounds more like what people will be hearing every night. Then Servo at Bloated Kat Records offered to put out whatever it was I was planning to record, so I decided to properly record an album instead. It was recorded over two days by Fredd at Lazer Lab and has two brand new songs, six Murderburgers songs, one FIPS song and two covers on it. I almost called the album ‘Tim Armstrong In A Tree’, but thought ‘SERIOUS MUSICIAN’ was funny enough and would also lower the chances of Tim Armstrong attacking me from above any time soon. I’ll wait until I’ve bulked up a bit then use that one later.

Recorded by Fredd at Lazer Lab on January 19th & 20th 2019.
Mixed and mastered by Fredd at Lazer Lab.
Artwork by Alessia Meola.
I wrote all this shit unless noted.

credits

released February 8, 2019

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The Murderburgers UK

Pop punk band from Scotland on Asian Man Records/Brassneck Records/Umlaut Records/Waterslide Records. Also on indefinite hiatus since Dec 1st 2019.

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